Written by: A.J. Rayburn, LMFTA

It was a school night and bedtime was less than ten minutes away when my daughter Charlie asked, “Can we stay up for an extra hour to watch another episode? Please! It’s so good!” 

This type of situation is fairly common in my house, where I often play the role of gatekeeper. I could quickly make some calculations on my brain’s abacus, weigh the costs and benefits, and deliver a quick “No,” but it’s much more beneficial to allow Charlie to practice those skills for herself and a wonderful opportunity for her personal growth and brain development.

First, A Little Brain Science

Let's touch on some basic brain science to better understand the “why” behind choice empowerment.  Problem-solving and reasoning primarily take place in the prefrontal cortex (PFC). This cheeseburger-sized brain region also helps regulate that impulsive "ice cream for breakfast" urge*. Research shows that a well-developed PFC leads to better academic achievement, mental health, and life success. While a less developed PFC is linked to worse health, lower earnings, and higher crime rates. Scared yet? Is your impulsive child doomed? Not at all.

Most folks typically make less impulsive decisions as adults than as kids, but why? The PFC isn't fully developed until our mid 20s. By this point the brain has experienced life, which involves repeatedly being in situations where we have to make a choice—good or bad—and learn from them. Research shows we can boost cognitive development by giving kids the power of informed choice, training their PFC like you would a muscle. The key is consistent, daily practice to make this training effective!

So as a parent  placed in a gatekeeper situation, let’s experiment with opening the gate to empower you child to practice decision making. Let’s walk through the steps together.

Start by Validating Like a Pro

Everyone feels better when they believe they are truly understood. And what better way to do that than restating their reasoning back to them. Join them in their struggle and show them you really comprehend what they are experiencing. 

Example: “Yeah, I totally get that you don’t want to go bed. This game is awesome, and it’s way more exciting than laying in a dark room!” (If they start nodding, that’s a sign you’re doing it right!)

Pro tip: Take it one step further. Make their argument even stronger than they did.

Move Torward Empowering Their Informed Choice

Give your child the ability to make their own decisions. If they want to try and carry their extra full drink from (insert fast food place), but you think they might drop it, share your concerns but let them make the decision. 

Example: “Hey, you are definitely allowed to carry that to the car. I’m a little concerned it might spill on the way out or you’ll trip, and then we’ll have a tasty explosion all over your shoes. I can carry it out if needed, but it’s up to you, kiddo.” 

P.S. If they drop it, for the love of all that is holy, avoid the “I told you so” tone. Nobody wants to be patronized after making a mistake. Instead, you can say you’re sorry that happened to them, show them nurturing, and share a time that you messed something up while you clean up together.

Share Insight and Show Them Your Brain

Model how you think! Share your internal processing on a regular basis with your child. Let them know what it looks like to think through a problem from different angles and how to make a decision based on risk vs. reward. When they offer solutions, discuss the positives and negatives of each idea. Teach them how to think, not what to think. 

Example: “So, I was thinking about this sleepover. And I know you want to invite 7 people, which sounds fun, but I’m wondering if it might be too crowded. I can handle the chaos, but I don’t know if that will make it less enjoyable or more enjoyable with so much going on. What are your thoughts?”

A Little Encouragement (This is for you, caregiver!)

When Charlie asked to stay up late that night, I don’t remember what the outcome was. It’s a regular event, and the results vary. I typically remind her that we’ve still get up at the same time and then we discuss how much longer we might be awake. Sometimes she decides, “Okay, 20 more minutes,” and other times she says with a big sigh, “Alright... I guess I should be responsible. Maybe we can finish it tomorrow before school.”

Maybe your kiddo is a little tired the next day, or maybe they regret spending their savings on a less-than-awesome toy. That’s okay! Join them in that too! “I get it. I remember when I spent a stupid amount on this new phone, and you know what? It’s JUST like my old phone!”

Of course there is a limit to this method as children don’t need to make every decision throughout the day. BUT we can still validate their request and inform them of the ‘why’ behind our decisions with patience and respect. They don’t have to love the decision, but that’s when it’s our job to maintain emotional regulation even if they are struggling with theirs. 

Your prefrontal cortex is more experienced. Use those moments to exercise it! 😉

*Make no mistake, ice cream for breakfast should definitely be an occasional thing for you and your little humans. Make a memory. You’ll be a hero.